and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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