I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
