Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
