Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
