how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
