She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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