Kiss
Puke
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
