have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
