Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
