it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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