The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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