my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
