White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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