I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
