I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
