wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Couch. On fire.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
