well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
that is very illegal...i love you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
