Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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