You're my little dorito
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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