New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
