"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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