I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
