so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
