at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
