Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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