Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
