Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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