You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
