i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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