to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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