I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize