btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
