I must be too annoying 4 u.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
