I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Randomize
