woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
