nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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