I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
