She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
