Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
