I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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