Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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