I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
