I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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