Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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