Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
