I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
