I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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