On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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