Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
only if we run a train.
done.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
