I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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