He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
