Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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