Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
