Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
