So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
