i love accidental penises.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
