I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
