is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize