I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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