Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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