Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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