Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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