she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize