there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
