yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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